Captivated Me

captivate : v. to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant.

Tag: hurt

December 3, 2019

GROW.

I went for a jaunt recently along the shores of the Mississippi, reflecting back on this year (and in many ways, this decade). It has been a wintery season of confronting wounds and traumas previously buried for years. A year of growth, of learning, of setting and understanding healthier boundaries, of being released from captivity to the past, of rediscovering passion and wonder that was lost nearly seven years ago. And as I look back, despite the painful moments, I feel my heart pounding with gratitude and an eager desire to keep evolving on this path. Winter seasons can be challenging, but they can also sustain growth – Just look at the evergreens.

May we move into the coming decade with hearts that long to continually GROW.

G – Gain perspective. Be compassionately curious about what is going on around us, about the hearts and souls we encounter, about who God made us to be, about how things work, and about how to make the world a better place.

R – Release the past. Process it, but don’t live in shame because of it. Forgive your own mistakes and the mistakes of others. Extend wild grace in every situation. Learn from and let go of the negative; appreciate and carry forward the good.

O – Own up and level up. Take responsibility for your own words and actions; you are not responsible for others. Do what you can to seek understanding and pursue peace. Remember problems can’t be solved at the level at which they were created.

W – Welcome change, and welcome God into every season. Things will happen that you cannot foresee or expect. And in the unknown of it all, there is joy and wonder to take hold of. Uncertainty is the fertile soil where adventure can bloom.

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May 9, 2019

Of wildflowers and grace.

I was visiting with my mom recently about freedom. We were marveling at how God can take seasons of living in captivity to hurt, confusion, and insecurity and move us from that place to a place of solid ground, soul-deep freedom, and relentless joy. We talked about how long, stormy and painful seasons – if well-weathered – eventually give way to bright, flowered pastures where we can dance and be light and liberated. I expressed that by the sweet grace of God, despite ongoing heartache and grief, I find myself in this place lately, this blooming field, and I feel my heart dancing freely through it. I shared how humbled and grateful I am that God has brought me here. And then my mom said:⁣
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“You know, He is using those tears you cried to water the field.”⁣
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You guys, this blew my mind.⁣
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How often do we try to wish away the painful seasons of life when we’re in the middle of them? We get tired of crying and exhausted by caring. The days seem to get longer, the hurt only gets deeper, and we feel like the misery will never end.⁣
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Let’s trust God and remember, it will end, and new things will spring from it (see Isaiah 43:19 – what a sweet promise!). The storm may last longer than we think it should, but we can trust that God is good and He knows what He is doing. While we wait on Him, let’s wrestle wisely and well, and let’s give our stories and the pen used to write them over to the ultimate Author. Let’s cry our hearts out if we need to, seek the Lord intently, humble ourselves deeply, and forgive daily. Our tears and prayers, our choice to surrender to truth and refining fire, our pain and questioning and grappling – none of it will go to waste. It will be the substance God uses to water and bring color to a field of wildflowers for us to dance, twirl, and run barefoot through.⁣ We will eventually look back and be thankful for those seasons of tears. They are desperately painful, to be sure. But they set the stage for wild beauty and abundant life to bloom.
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“After a day of cloud and wind and rain / Sometimes the setting sun breaks out again / And touching all the darksome woods with light / Smiles on the fields until they laugh and sing.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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April 25, 2019

A lifestyle of forgiveness.

When we are deeply hurt, we can choose to tend to that hurt as if it is a fertile soil for forgiveness or we can stake it as a battlefield for bitterness. ⁣⁣⁣⁣
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Someone may have contributed greatly to your hurting heart. I am so sorry, friend. I want you to know that I am with you & God sees you. There is no excusing the fact that you are suffering. Hurt is real, brutal, and raw. And yet, I want to challenge you with an idea: that you, and you alone, are responsible for your response to that hurt. Your offender is not to blame for your bitterness, if bitterness is the response you choose. Just as they are not responsible for you offering forgiveness, if forgiveness is what you choose.⁣⁣⁣⁣

I have spent time in both camps. I have spent months steeped in my hurt, seeing life through the teeny, limited keyhole of my pain, blinded to the bitterness that was taking root within. Until that root was revealed, I spent many days confused, afraid, angry, and unable to understand why I was feeling so persistently heavy-hearted despite being in a season of life that looked beautiful on-paper. There was active hurt being inflicted on my heart throughout, but my responses to that hurt were out of proportion to the offenses, I inflicted deep hurt through my reactions to new and old pains, and I could not understand why. What an agonizing place to be! If you are in a similar place, friends, that is okay. There is no shame or condemnation. I just want to share with you: there is hope.

Blessedly, once the deeper root of unforgiveness was revealed in my life, God so sweetly and quickly helped me take care of it. It was not an easy journey. It meant confronting my hurt on a deeper level than I was aware existed, and it meant understanding that things would get more painful before they got better. But through wise counsel from dear friends from church; a paradigm-shifting book recommended to me about releasing offense (“Total Forgiveness” by R. T. Kendall); and many hours of tears and prayers and bringing my hurt and brokenness to the Lord, I am learning more about grace, healing, and love than I could ever see before when my vision was limited by pain. The journey is ongoing, and I am finding that this is a road that is ripe with lessons, richness, and loveliness. We can cultivate a lifestyle of forgiveness, friends; and in doing so, we can experience renewal in deep and indescribable ways.
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Friend, wherever you are in your journey, I want to encourage you, choose forgiveness. It’s the harder of the two choices, to be sure. It requires a humbling knowledge of how much God has forgiven us for, to the point that we can’t help but to extend that forgiveness to others. It means that the person who hurt us may never understand the depth of the pain they caused; they might not even care that they have our forgiveness. It means letting go of the false sense of control that bitterness offers and letting our heart be soft. But friend, that soft place, that’s where God’s healing and lasting work truly begins. What forgiveness does is it FREES YOU. It lightens your load, refreshes your heart, and places the situation in God’s capable hands. It breaks chains that hold you captive to the past and torture you in the form of hurtful memories played on repeat in your mind. Forgiveness allows you to move forward with peace in your heart, hope in your eyes, pep in your step, and grace in your words and actions.⁣⁣ And the more you choose it, the more it is woven into your lifestyle, the more peace & hope & pep & grace you can scatter around like confetti to the people around you.⁣⁣
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Your offender may never understand the implications of your forgiveness for them. But nonetheless, it will be a liberating gift to you. God has already offered us the gift of forgiveness in far greater a measure than we could ever deserve. What right have we to withhold that gift from others?⁣⁣⁣
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Choose freedom, friends. Forgive.⁣⁣⁣
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Ephesians 4:31-32 💛

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April 7, 2019

We must confront it.

Real talk. I was walking down a set of stairs at work last night looking at my phone, missed a step, toppled down, and landed terribly wrong on this poor foot. Funny in retrospect! But painful enough that I passed out at the time. Blessedly, no surgery is required. But even bearing weight on this thing right now brings tears.⁣⁣⁣
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What is amazing is how God sent angels in disguise to get me to the help I needed after the injury. Two lovely women who found a wheelchair nearby. Two orthopedic residents at the bottom of the staircase who were at the ready if it turned out there was an overt fracture. An ER team who could not have been any more kind. A radiology tech with the sweetest presence. My mom (who had randomly put a pair of crutches in her car that morning) and dear friend Mimi who were only minutes away in Minneapolis when I let them know about the injury and who got me settled in at home at the end of the night.⁣⁣⁣ Blessings, each one.
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How often do we get distracted in the midst of life’s craziness, only to misstep and find ourselves in a position that we didn’t anticipate? How often do abrupt hurts come into our life, causing a pain that makes us want a period of amnesia to forget the inciting event(s)? I’d argue, these things happen more frequently than we’d like to admit. But we are so good at pushing through and covering our messes and hurts with work, busy-ness, and frivolous things. ⁣⁣⁣
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How often does God show up in those moments? I’d argue, always. He sets the right people and parts in motion to take care of us. He sends the support we need by moving the hearts of those who love us into action. He makes the equipment we need available. He helps us recover from the amnesia and numbness that we use to cope, and challenges us to confront the pain so we can begin healing. He uses injuries to slow our pace and refocus our hearts on simple truth.⁣⁣
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Everything is taking three times longer than usual today. Home has become an obstacle course that I need to crutch and crawl through, even going down the stairs like a toddler who bumps down one by one on her behind. It feels so silly, so dependent, and still painful. But I also feel stronger by going through it, by finding healthy and safe ways to cope with the pain.

It is hard and unhealthy to ignore our hurt; we must confront it. It may take more devoted time spent with the Lord; it can be exhausting; and it can be very uncomfortable. But it will all be for our benefit in the end.

Let’s give our hurts, big and small, over to God. And let’s watch in awe as He sets everything in motion, heals deep hurts, and works things out for our good.

Also, life lesson, stay off your phone when walking down stairs!

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