Captivated Me

—–

Another aeroplane,

Another sunny day,

I’m lucky, I know,

But I wanna go home.

 —–

So here’s the thing.

The past four months have brought some of the most beautiful, memorable times of my life so far. In a whirlwind, I was given the opportunity to move to the exciting city of Los Angeles; meet and become fast friends with an incredible cohort of equally incredible, passionate, beautiful people; and take courses at USC in topics that make my heart both shatter into pieces with sorrow and leap effortlessly with hope and joy at the same time. I somehow completed a marathon and somehow overcame the medical school admissions process. Not a second of this adventure has seemed real. And there are no words in the English (or, I suspect, any other) language to describe how deeply humbled and blessed I feel by each of these precious moments.

And what am I doing about it?

Leaving.

Weird? I think so, too. But after much prayer and deliberation, I’ve decided to take a leave of absence from the Master’s in Global Medicine program at USC, at least for the time being. And this isn’t the casual Peace out, fight on! kind of leaving. This is the heartbreaking kind. The goodbye that you don’t actually want to say, but have to because you know that there’s something else waiting for you. The one that took more sleepless nights than you care to count to sort through, pick apart, put back together, then deconstruct again to try to find another configuration that might make more sense. The one where you shuffle (or drive or fly) slowly away, incrementally pausing and glancing longingly behind you to see if that which you’re distancing yourself from is really there. And every time you look back and see it, you realize with more and more confidence that it is real, which bruises your heart all the more.

 Am I actually ready to give Global Medicine up? In so many ways, as you might have inferred, the answer is a huge, resounding no. I will never be ready for that, and I will always be sad that I did say, that I am saying this particular goodbye. Blessedly, there may be an opportunity to return in the future and complete the degree. Still, over the next four months, I will miss out on countless LA adventures, educational insights, blossoming friendships, and extraordinary memories. This is not easy to accept, and I’m sure there is no way that I can fully grasp just how much I will miss out on. My classmates, neighbors, and professors are some of the most inspired, good-spirited, (com)passionate people you can fathom. World-changers, every GM-er here. I’ve learned more from them in four months than I could have ever imagined before I came, and I can only hope that I’ve had a fraction of the impact on their lives compared to their impact in mine. I couldn’t be more thankful for the time I’ve spent in sunny, beautiful Southern California, and that thankfulness only grows deeper and wider and higher the more I think about it. But now life has changed. I have changed. And I sense it’s time for everything to change again. And that’s a beautiful thing.

Who was it who said that, “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings”. Whoever it was hit the nail squarely on the head. I feel a bit shipwrecked by leaving, but I know that restoration is in store. With this California adventure coming to an end – or perhaps just a hiatus – literally anything can happen, and I’ll be open to whatever comes. I’ve (gradually) learned to love that kind of ambiguity.

I now am entering a period of about six months before yet another new, exciting chapter of life begins: medical school! And where will I be spending that time? Traveling the world? Finally planning a trip to Haiti? Feeding the adrenaline-seeking endurance junky inside me somehow? Training for a 2014 marathon? Any combination of these and other possibles would be amazing, life-changing even. Maybe they’ll happen. Most, probably not. I’ll be wholly satisfied either way. For me, there is one and only one place to start these half-dozen months: with family.

I’m moving home to Minnesota (though I do now consider LA home now much in the same way that Senegal and San Jose are home to me, just by virtue of the people and the memories I know in each place; but I digress). There, I’m going to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom, my dad, my sisters and bro-in-law, my nephews, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Friends too, of course! Time spent with these people is a precious (and addictive) commodity. I’m searching for part-time work and hope to get as involved in the community as I can. I do not want to sit idle. I do not want to relax (well, let’s be honest, there will be some relaxation). My prayer overall is to continually change and learn and grow, no matter how or where it happens. To, with much help from the One who put me here, become the woman who God made me to be. I want to work hard, serve much, love well, be with family, and enjoy home sweet MN. Then, I’ll embrace the next big change that I know is coming, and any other unforeseen ones that I bump into along the way.

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”
― Miriam Adeney